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Monthly Archives: April 2007

I hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

I think there’s a tendency for girls to be desensitized to nice guys doing and saying nice things. It happens all the time, right? So it’s always going to be there. You don’t have to earn it.

But for other guys…they might act like jerks 3 or 4 times out of 5, but the times they don’t mean more because of it. (This is absolutely ridiculous, but I’m trying to see through the eyes of a girl here). It’s more ‘special’ somehow, because they feel like they’ve tapped into some unknown resource. And the ones that do always do good things? Left in the dark.

WHY ON EARTH is this bothering me so much? I knew this would end badly when I let myself feel this way about her…I just didn’t think it would happen so quickly. It gets to the point where a less faithful guy would give up. Surely no amount of love and sharing and caring could possibly be worth all the pain, all the times you feel like you are getting jammed in the side by a needle or punched in the stomach. But I’m so sure that it will be (would be) that I can’t help but fall head over heels over and over again – no matter how many times I end up kicked in the teeth by the side of the road.

Sigh. I said I wouldn’t let this bum me out, but it is – and it does.

A. Bob

P.S. I got Michelle’s thank you card, that she didn’t tell me she was sending, for her birthday present when I got home last night. Above all else, that’s why she is the most incredible girl I’ve ever met and probably ever will meet – no matter how nice I am to her, she has never, not even one time, taken it for granted, even unconsciously. With only a couple of tweaks, I want a girl who is almost exactly like her.

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I’ve reached the point where I lack any and all motivation to do anything.

I’ve slept through my first classes two days in a row. I haven’t actually studied anything in weeks. I don’t think about class, even when I’m in class. My mind wanders.

I’m getting summer-itis.

I wanna go home, I wanna make money, I wanna be in Chicago for Cubs games, I wanna have lots of free time, I wanna go to parties and hang out with people, I wanna date (ok, this one might not actually happen, but since I’m wishing for stuff), I wanna be with friends. I’m sick of being at this stupid school, taking a bunch of stupid classes I don’t need, missing my friends from home while hardly ever seeing my friends here, etc.

This happens at the end of every school year, but it seems to be especially true in this case. Maybe part of it is that I have so much to look forward to next school year that I really just want this one to be over.

Well, anyway. This weekend’s plans seem pretty ironclad – Friday night, I’m going over to 605 to watch the Bulls playoff game with Andy Rokosz, then after that is the Last Bash at that house. Saturday is NFL draft day, and it looks like I’m going to go to Levin’s house in Indy to watch it, although I don’t especially want to, I just want someone to watch the draft with. Then Sunday afternoon is the WCRD sports party, another Bulls playoff game, then if there’s time, the all-staff WCRD cookout. After that…finals week begins.

Luckily, I’m having a pretty happy week overall this week. I’m still floating on a cloud from giving Michelle her present on Monday, and it doesn’t hurt either that my chatting buddy Mallory and I seem to be more or less back to normal. Life ain’t bad this week.

A. Bob

Michelle wore the shirt I got her today.

She looked even more beautiful than usual…impossible but true.

Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve asked her out in my junior year of high school when she had the short period of being single there…but I can’t imagine it could have ever worked out any better than it ended up. She’s one of my most indispensable friends, even though I don’t see her nearly enough.

Took my first final today. Think I did pretty well. Also slept through two classes. Whatever. I’m just ready to get outta here.

A. Bob

I’ve wanted to write in here a lot more lately. Helps that now someone
actually reads it! That and I’ve been introspective as of late.

Another thing I’ve been is awful PMS-y. My very least favorite thing
about myself is that I’m so oversensitive to everything. I take the
smallest perceived slight personally. Just today, I was trying to cheer
Ellen up at the beginning of sports studies class because she clearly
was unhappy, and then she became clearly unhappier, semi-snapping at me
(she hadn’t slept last night apparently)…so me being me, I just
didn’t talk to her for the rest of class and then got up and left
without saying goodbye at the end of it – which is the first time
that’s happened all semester.

It just seems like some people take me for granted. And that’s probably
partially my oversensitiveness talking, but I have plenty of friends
that just assume I’ll be cool with anything they do and don’t mind
slighting me because of it. And most of the time, I am. I have friends
that just assume I’ll always be nice, and quiet, and demure, and be the
shy little guy to walk all over. And, unfortunately, I am. It’s
probably on the whole a good thing that I’m so forgiving and flexible
with my friends, but there are times I wish I could take a slightly
harder line and make them see that just because I’m a good guy doesn’t
mean I’m cool with them screwing me over.

Calling myself a good guy seems presumptuous to me, actually. I’ve
always felt that if you outwardly believe you’re a great person, you
probably aren’t. Truly great people aren’t happy with just being nice
and understanding – they always want to go above and beyond for their
friends, and be the kind of person that everyone wants to turn to. I’ve
always wanted to be one of those guys, but to no avail – I can count
the amount of friends that come to me with their biggest problems on
one or two fingers. Whereas on my biggest problems, I ask as many
friends as I can for advice, and I usually end up getting cliches for
answers.

This is coming dangerously close to becoming a bitter entry, so I’ll
just end it, saying: There is nothing – NOTHING – more important to me
than being a great friend. I work harder on being a great friend than I
do on anything else in my life. And I wish I had more friends that did
the same.

A. Bob

Ever want to bottle a feeling?

There are many feelings I’ve
wanted to bottle over the years. The feeling I had at the Ball
State-Michigan game in November. The feeling I had down the stretch of
the Notre Dame-USC game in 2005. (I still can’t believe I attended both
of my favorite college football team’s most exciting games of the
century so far.) The feeling I had the night of my first kiss (even
though it was with a girl I never thought of anything good happening
with, it was still a great ‘monkey-off-your-back’ feeling). The feeling
I had on 9/11 (it wasn’t good, it’s just that it’s good to know what
real fear feels like).

Add “April 23, 2007, when I gave Michelle her birthday present” to my list.

No
one knows how to make you feel good about yourself quite like her. She
showed an incredible amount of happiness for having received a cheap
little $10 T-shirt. (I got her a U of Iowa T-shirt…the TV station
she’s going to work at is 5 miles from Iowa City. I thought it was a
cute idea.) We hugged for, like, 2 minutes.

Can I reinforce for
a moment how much I want a girl almost exactly like her? I can’t
believe she’s not gonna be in my life next year.

A. Bob

Last night, Mallory made me think of something interesting. She said she wasn’t afraid of death. Made me realize that all this time I thought I was afraid of it, but really, I’m just afraid of not accomplishing everything I want before I go.

So I thought I would compile a list of things I want to do in my life. Here we go.

– I want to graduate from Ball State and get a job somewhere in the Midwest, preferably close to Chicago, St. Louis or some other large city.

– I want to get married to a great girl who is sweet, caring, beautiful and loves me even more than I love her, which will be damn near impossible, because I’m going to be absolutely gaga over her.

– I want to have 2 or 3 kids. Matthew Andy Roberts, Michelle Erin Roberts, and if there’s a 3rd, I’d probably stick with the M’s and name them Mallory or Michael.

– I want to eventually get a broadcasting job with an NFL or Major League Baseball team. In my dreams it would be the Cubs, but I’d accept any team.

– I want to one day call a Notre Dame football game, a Chicago Bulls game, a Carolina Panthers game, and a Chicago Cubs game.

– I want to one day call a Super Bowl, NCAA basketball championship game, NBA Finals, or a World Series.

– I want to live on the North Side of Chicago one day.

– I want to be the favorite uncle of all my brothers’ and sister’s kids.

– I want to have a small group of very close friends that I spend a lot of time with whenever I get the chance.

– I want to work out more often, become more athletic, and be somewhat attractive.

– I want to experience being somebody’s best man.

– I want to take my kids to Wrigley Field for the first time. Same with ND Stadium, the United Center and Bank of America Stadium.

– I want to take my wife someday on one week-long vacation somewhere, just us two.

– I want to work for a major network in some sports-related capacity.

– I want to live a long, healthy and fulfilling life.

– I want to live to see grandkids – maybe even great-grandkids.

There is no doubt more. But that’s a starter for what I want to accomplish in life.

In case you were wondering why I worry so much – the fear that I won’t accomplish any one thing on this list drives me. This is why I care so much about little things like girls I like mysteriously reducing our time together, getting passed over for a radio job I felt I deserved, and other things that have bugged me recently.

A. Bob

So, letting stuff bug me didn’t work out so well.

Girls always tell me nice things about me. Girls have called me “the nicest guy ever”, “so sweet”, “CUTE!”, etc. etc. etc. But you know what? It gets to a point where you have to wonder if it’s not just the girls that result in stupid crap happening. Clearly, there’s an issue with me here. No matter how much women suck (and that is a WHOLE FUCK of a lot), I wouldn’t have reached this point without something being wrong with me too. And the fact that I have no idea what that is drives me nuts.

I know, I said I wouldn’t be miserable about women anymore. It’s not possible, I’ve concluded. I’m just the type of person that’s not going to be content ‘having fun’ or ‘being single’ or ‘not worrying’. I just can’t. Because for every moment that I don’t mind being single, there are seventeen or twenty moments that it depresses me beyond belief that I am. And I’m just always going to be the kind of person that looks at the big picture. And in the big picture, 20-year-old guys who’ve never had any kind of experience with being in a couple simply are not desired. By anybody.

A. Bob