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Monthly Archives: August 2009

Well, I have another reader. I broke the news to my mom about me and Amy today and wonder of wonders, it turns out she already knew, from Megan. Oh, well. Probably better that I not shock her with the news anyway. She reacted just as I (and Amy) expected her to – a little apprehensive, considering how everything ended and considering one of the biggest issues of our first go-around was me being here. I would hope that she gets that I wouldn’t have gone back to Amy if I didn’t know she is what I wanted, if I wasn’t sure she is what will make me happy. I think she will get it.

I’m so bored…even if I had anything to do or anyone to hang out with, I have no money to do anything with. I need to make some friends. I’d been hopeful that Joe, the 2nd year GA who seemed intent on getting all of us GA’s to be friends, would organize some activities, but he hasn’t yet. I think he’s been gone both weekends so far, though. I don’t know.

I should really be working tonight, but of course I am not. What I have left to do for this week is: a 10-page reaction paper (to a book that, thankfully, I finished), leaf through “The Prince” by Machiavelli and find 15 quotes that relate to public relations and write paragraphs about each of them, and read 9 chapters of a big-ass book that no one seems to have and that I can’t buy until Monday anyway. As compared to what I had to do five days ago I think that’s manageable, and this week’s assignments are going to be a cakewalk by comparison. I can’t wait to see Amy. I really, really can’t. That’s why I’m going up late Thursday, instead of saving myself a car trip and going Friday after the football game. I need to see her that soon. That may or may not continue to be the case on future weekends but I knew it had to be this time.

Anyway, I’m really just wasting time until it’s time to go to bed. Hopefully Amy will talk to me before she is done hanging out with her best friend and family, but if she doesn’t I will live somehow. There’s always tomorrow.

A. Bob

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I covered another clunker of a football game tonight, but the real story of the evening was getting to talk to my Amy the whole drive home. Over two hours I talked to my beautiful girlfriend, and we talked about lots of stuff, mainly our plans for next weekend, when I will be home late Thursday night through Monday afternoon. It is going to be so amazing to be with her again, and we will be spending time together every day of that weekend, I think. The only day that we possibly wouldn’t would be Friday due to my covering a football game but I’m sure I will stop by and see her on my way out. Thursday night I will be seeing her when I get in town and we’ll spend some great time together, Saturday she might be coming to Mark’s with me to watch the ND football opener, Sunday night I may visit her while she is house-sitting her grandma’s (and if not then, then surely some other time that day), and then Monday before I leave.

Of course, all this means that I’ll have to tell my mom this week that we are back together. When we first decided to keep it quiet, I had originally been planning on having it be for longer. But things are going so well, and word is starting to leak out amongst Amy’s family. Frankly, we know that this is going to be fine. Ensuring it would be okay was the only reason we were keeping it secret to begin with, so this week I’m sure word will get passed around with us going ‘public’ again after the weekend. I cannot wait for any of it. I have a big paper due Thursday that I will try to get done ahead of time so I can also do the readings I have to do beforehand. I’m sure at the very least I would like to get the Tuesday readings done early so that I won’t have to worry about any of it while I’m with Amy.

This was a very ramble-y, Amy-centric entry. I can’t help it, she’s the best thing in my life and I’m so so happy she’s back. I have a very, very busy week ahead with lots to do – buying books chiefly among them – but I have a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s my girlfriend!

A. Bob

The contents of the care package that my unbelievable, amazing, perfect girlfriend Amy sent me today:

– Variety pack of fruit snacks
– Club crackers
– Lemonheads candy
– A Rubik’s cube I have no idea where she got the idea but I love it.
– A loving letter that made me smile really big.
– Wallet-size pictures of us that I think I’m going to put on my dashboard.

And the best part. An addendum to the picture frame she got me two months ago when we were first dating. She originally put a picture of us at our first Silver Hawks game into it. This time she sent along a collage of eight of our best pictures together on a gray background with the message at the bottom: “True Love, Memories, Together Again.”

In other words, my girlfriend is better than yours.

I love you, Amy!

A. Bob

I feel a lot better today. Maybe it is that a 2nd year GA in my department, Joe, who is one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met, told us with confidence today that Dr. Supa is “full of shit” when he tries to intimidate us and that to his knowledge no one failed his class last year (which means no one got below a B-). Maybe it is that I got my first night off tonight – these Wednesdays off will no doubt prove invaluable as the semester goes on, not least because it’s allowing me to catch up on my reading that I have to do. Maybe it is that I applied for and got a credit card from my bank that will allow me to have 0 interest for three months, plenty of time, ostensibly, for me to get paid off everything I need to do with it. Maybe it is that I managed to get an oil change, get that card, upgrade my debit card to a better one that will give me more ‘rewards’ points, and do reading all between about 3:30 and 5. Maybe it is that football season is coming ever closer – Ball State’s first game is 8 days away though I doubt I will go to any of it since night class is knocking out half of it anyway and I want to go see Amy as soon as I can. Maybe it is that of the reading I have done, it seems like some of it may actually have practical application towards what I need to do for these classes (imagine that).

Anyway, I do feel better. And this is all despite getting almost no time to talk with Amy in any capacity today. We talked on the phone this morning before we both had to go to work but I haven’t heard from her since apart from a text at around 6 telling me she’d get in touch with me later. I don’t know what she’s doing but I know she told me that she would be busy today. It is, of course, fine. Yet another thing that we’ll have to get used to eventually is not necessarily getting to talk every day. I can’t imagine I’ll have much time to talk when deadlines for all these papers I have to do come calling or if we have a really busy day at the GA office followed by some night activity we might have to do. Who knows? All I know is that I know she’s going to be there through all of it, something that will give me a lot of peace of mind as time goes on. I can’t wait to hear from her though.

Weekends are not going to be the same here as they were in undergrad. Yes, I’m sure I’ll find free time to see people, even go to a party or two. If I’m really lucky I might actually lay eyes on Kim again before she graduates, gets a job and moves. But I will still be busy on weekends. I will be rationing my time. When I get the chance to go home and see Amy, I will have to bring books and do plenty of reading during the time I am home but not with her. I might even have to try and do some reading on the drives each way, provided traffic permits me. And on those weekends I’m not home to see Amy – and frankly, I imagine those will largely be limited to when Ball State is at home for football, or I have something VERY hard to do that can’t be done from South Bend – then that will require lots of time devoted to school. Which will be fine. After all, I don’t really have friends here, just the ultra-busy Kim and the now-seniors from the radio station who I’m really only acquaintances with and will never see apart from the occasional party invitation. And honestly it seems like that might be better. I will be friends with my fellow GAs, no doubt, but beyond that I probably won’t get to branch out much, and it’s probably for the best that I don’t.

Anyway, I am taking a quick study break – first to write this, then to watch an episode of Scrubs (I’ve been watching them all over the summer) – and then it’s back to reading – and impatiently waiting for Amy to text or call me.

A. Bob

This is going to be the hardest few months of my entire life in so many ways. To listen to my professor, Dr. Supa, talk about some of the things we will be doing in Journalism 680 – Research Methods – quite simply scares the shit out of me. A small sampling of what we will be doing:

– A 20-50 page research proposal, presumably used as the start (yes, the start) to our thesis we need to complete to obtain a master’s degree.

– A 12-15 page handout, which will accompany teaching an entire 3-hour class period concerning a certain research method (mine is Content Analysis)

– An oral final exam, which will consist of 12-15 questions and will last roughly an hour.

– Reading assignments every week that will normally be at least 200 pages and probably more like 300.

And that’s the easier one of the two classes I will be doing. The other one consists of that 80+ pager I mentioned earlier, only this time he called it a 100-pager, with the 150 sources and all that, plus four 10-page papers spread through the semester. I honestly feel like I might cry typing all of that. It seems so difficult and I honestly don’t feel like I can do it. I didn’t have to do hardly any writing as a telecom major in my undergrad – my longest paper was 25 pages and quite honestly with all the crap Barry made us put in it, it was indescribably easy to meet that standard. He also set deadlines throughout the semester that made the whole paper seem incredibly easy to write. Dr. Supa does no such thing, at least that I am aware of…

I wish I could talk to Amy about all of this. She is hanging out with her girls tonight, which is great. (She hasn’t told them we are back together yet, which is why I’m under orders to leave her alone. 🙂 Just kidding Amy! I think I will do better in the future to let her have her girls-time anyway, just like I would want her to do the same if/when I have guys-time.) And, in a way, it’s helpful that I can’t, because without the possibility of talking to her to distract me, it will enable me to get some reading done tonight that I need to do. Anyway, I know that she really wouldn’t be able to soothe me but at least she’d offer up some support. I’m sure she would (and will) tell me that she knows I can do this, that she believes in me. I know she does. She has been amazing this week. She really has. As amazing as the first two months of our relationship were, this week seems like it’s been even better. We’ve become closer in that time than I think we ever were before, because, I think, we both realized how horrible our lives would be – and were – apart, and we both see now that relationships can’t and shouldn’t be easy all the time. I think she already knew that. And now, she’s teaching me that. More than anything though, she’s decided more than ever that I’m worth all the struggle. Which is something that makes me smile and almost tear up every time she tells me, because it is such an honor, such a blessing and such a twist of amazingly good luck that someone like her really thinks that about me. 🙂

Tomorrow is going to be interesting. It’s the only day of the week where I have GA work but not class. That will help me substantially. I’m planning on hitting the library after work tomorrow and checking out the book we have to read off course reserves. They only let you for two hours, so I will do as much reading as I can out of that book (we have to read nine chapters of it for next week) until my mom’s money is available on Monday and I can actually buy it. The thing is, if it all goes right to books – and it will – how am I supposed to pay my cell phone bill, which is due next Saturday? It’s all a mess. I feel so guilty that I can’t get my stuff together myself. If it weren’t for the 700 dollars I had to use to replace my car window, stereo and iPod when my car got broken into, I would be in a much better situation right now, right? I just feel horrible because the only people I could potentially borrow money from are really not in a position where they can give me enough. My mom doesn’t have much. My sister has virtually nil in spending money because of her new car payment. I suppose I could borrow from Brendan if I had to, but I really don’t want to if I can avoid it, mostly because it would be a substantial amount of time before I could pay him back – I don’t get paid much as a GA, pretty much just enough to live. There is no way on God’s green earth I’m going to hit Amy up for money, because like Megan she doesn’t have a lot of it. Basically, I should have taken out some sort of student loan. That’s the main lesson here. Because on top of EVERYTHING else, I have BSU fees that I will need to pay. Frankly, I will not be able to do this without building up some debt. Maybe I should just apply for a small loan – 1,000 dollars or so – just to get me through. That, of course, begs the question of how to do that…

This is just a really long entry now. But there is a lot going through my head and I need to get it out somewhere. Xanga is as good a place as any, because apart from Amy and Brianna, I don’t think anybody I know reads it so I can speak more or less without worrying about what people will think. I’m so nervous and so self-doubting right now. I guess I just wish I had some sort of validation – some sort of message from the future that said, “YOU WILL SUCCEED”. Right now I don’t have that validation, and I don’t have the proof that I know this will work. This grad-school thing, unlike so many people’s beliefs of me, was kind of hastily thrown together, more out of wanting to be back at school than anything. Seeing Kim – which I can’t really ever do because she student teaches almost 40 hours a week – was also a factor. It really was never about ‘bettering myself’, although the possibility of becoming employable certainly helped (and is still helping). But here I am. I managed to procure an assistantship to pay for my education. I managed to get all of this sorted out. I managed to win my baby back and persuade her to go through this long road with me.

A very frightening thought occurred to me sitting in Supa’s class, listening to him describe the horrors. For the first time since I started this road, the thought occurred to me: “What if I fail?” It was the first time that had happened. Without my prodding, my mind sort of tried to build a contingency plan of what I will do if I fail – if I can’t pass grad school (you have to get a B- or better to pass), if I can’t retain this GAship, or something else happens. It was an incredibly frightening thought.

A. Bob

P.S. I hope this entry doesn’t sound like I’m depressed. I suppose the absolute worst thing that could happen is that I do build up some debt, can’t pass classes, and can’t come back next year. I won’t be in financial doom thanks to my GAship, even if I can’t pull this off. And there’s always the possibility that I could find a job if it came down to it and I had to start looking. I’m not depressed. Just a little overwhelmed.

After last night, there is nothing standing in the way of me and Amy. We had an amazing talk and sorted out a lot of things. I wish I’d actually been up there to have this talk but that’s the unfortunate reality of distance. Luckily, my girlfriend is very sweet, very understanding and does not make me feel even the least bit guilty about not being able to be there! I loved her before, there was no doubt of that, but seeing this new her, she seems to have grown so much just in the month we were apart. And I’m sure that she feels the same way about me! Our relationship is so much better just in the few days it’s been new again than I ever could have dreamed it would be.

My second class is tonight. The first with the hard-ass professor. Luckily the Monday class, without that professor, shouldn’t be too difficult. It seems like it might actually be interesting, something I can’t say about the two other ones at the moment!

Still nothing to do at work today. I made an effort to help a fellow GA with something she’s working on but it didn’t get very far. I feel guilty because I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING, I just don’t know what!

I’m in severe money trouble. I have, by my count, about 68 dollars in the bank. That has to pay for an oil change and food the rest of the week. My mom is sending me a check that I can use on Monday, but I need to buy a textbook ON Monday and read the 5 chapters for it. I’m also trying to get my sibs to send me advances on the cell phone bill due October 5th. Oh yeah – a 166 dollar cell phone bill is due a week from Saturday, too. That’s really gonna be a problem…

A. Bob

I feel guilty. 😦 I will not be able to visit Amy this weekend at home because a friend from undergrad called and wanted help with improving her resume tape for TV stations. Since she’s offering to pay me for it (why, I don’t know!) and I’m very short on money at the moment, I’m going to do that. I know that Amy knew going in that this would be difficult and that some weekends I won’t be able to make it back to see her, but I still feel bad. I know this is really hard on her, having a boyfriend so far away. She’s never done it before and neither have I, and it’s a pain. I just really hope that I continue to be worth the wait, despite all the work I’m going to have to do and all the time I might have to sacrifice with her to do it.

This semester is going to be so difficult. The professor I have for two different classes is evidently going to be a bear. He has assigned an 80+ page paper for Journalism 601 due at the end of the semester that is going to require lots of work (minimum 150 sources, and at least 100 of them have to be ‘peer-reviewed academic journals!’) and, more importantly, self-discipline. I’ve never had a paper due that I haven’t been able to write mostly in the last week before it’s due. The same will not be true of this one, obviously, because I cannot possibly write 80 pages in a week. I will have to space it out much better. Luckily, with Wednesday evenings and most Friday afternoons free in addition to the weekends, I should be able to find time to do it. Apart from that 80-pager though, there’s one that will be at least 20 pages in the other class that he teaches, there’s the GA work I will be doing roughly 20 hours a week, there’s working Friday nights at the News-Sun, there’s all the reading homework I will need to do…it all seems very overwhelming, and part of me wonders if I can do it. And with all that there’s this precious long-distance relationship that will need careful nurturing. I want to make Amy happy so much, and unfortunately I know that I won’t be able to do it all the time. Sometimes there will be work, class, homework or something else that needs doing and I won’t be able to be there. It really, really sucks. I love her so much and I hope she’ll be able to forgive those times. She’s worth every bit of hard work and sacrifice to me, and I hope to continue to be worth it to her.

We talked last night about the possibility of her coming to see me Halloween weekend. It would be so perfect, assuming everything goes smoothly until then. Kim is probably having a party that night, so she could meet her and dress up in whatever crazy costume she likes. She could come with me to the Ball State football home game that is that day. She could be there to sort of be around my birthday, which is the prior Wednesday. And we could have a wonderful night (or two?) together. That would be wonderful. We will of course hopefully spend a fair few weekends together before then, but that would be the one that would really make us both happy I think, if we can make that trip work.

I feel really tired. I have lots of reading to do, though – I have to read an entire textbook and write a 10-page reaction to it for next Tuesday’s class. I’m thinking about Amy every second and how much I miss her. She is everything to me and I want her to be happy with me so much! I just hope rough weekends where I can’t see her – like this one – aren’t too rough.

A. Bob