Little to do with anything, but I don’t see why I post anything on my Cubs message board when everything I say gets me ripped for no real reason.
I feel absolutely miserable. Barely seems like there’s any point in trying to be happy professionally, let alone make enough money to have a life. Might as well focus on being as happy personally as I possibly can. I hate that Amy has to deal with this. She always thinks it’s her fault that she can’t make me happy about my professional life. She doesn’t deserve to feel that way.
I feel like the most pathetic failure of all.
Tonight Amy floated the possibility that my returning to Ball State after we get married is the best chance for us to be financially stable. Unfortunately, she may be right. No one on this planet seems willing to hire me. As loath as I may be to return to BSU and essentially reward the school for dumping me like a bad habit after my first year of grad school through no fault of my own, I seem to have no leads on a job. My last chance at one ended when the Columbia City editor hosed me by cancelling my job interview for an editor job he led me to believe I had a good shot at getting – mere hours before it was slated to occur.
Amy said she could find a school with her program in the area and we could possibly spend a year there. That would be all we would need to finish – her program, should there be one there, would take 9 months and I’d only need a year of full-time enrollment to finish, should I not mess anything up, of course. I’m not sure how to feel about the idea especially since I was not headed towards anything professionally while I was enrolled at BSU. I spent a good chunk of my spring of 2010 trying to find internships of some kind and couldn’t find one. It really seems like finishing would guarantee me nothing except astronomically more student loan debt. I can’t overstate this – ASTRONOMICALLY more. It would cost me upwards of $12K for a year to go back without a GAship (which I would not get because they wouldn’t give me one), which would nearly triple the debt that I had when I left in May.
Reading that to myself, it seems like going back is a horrible idea. And then again, what the hell else am I supposed to do when I have no other leads? The field I’m most qualified for is dying and no one can give me any leads on a job outside of the field, either because they don’t understand that I’d take any job or because I’m woefully unqualified for anything else. God, what a horrible situation. I’m just glad Amy is willing to deal with the idea that moving to Muncie for a year might be the only way to make me professionally happy.
Ugh. Well, we have months to consider it.